The Lingerers

You know who they are: they’re in Pigott, rummaging through a stack of newspapers; or in Connolly, going to ‘stretch’ … again and again and again; or in the Bellarmine Lobby, pretending to talk on their phone while surveying the foot traffic. They’re Lingerers, and they’re all over Seattle U’s campus.

To say SU People love Lingerers may be an inaccurate statement, so instead we’ll call it a hate love. SU People hate love Lingerers. Totes.

Just the other day I was in Connolly working out. My routine is simple: 20 minutes on the treadmill, a few minutes of abs and a couple weight machines and then I’m off to frolic in the shitty spring weather Seattle has been providing us as of late. But during my 45-minute workout I couldn’t help but notice a girl – we’ll call her Lolita the Lingerer – successfully avoiding working out for the entire time I was there. A full-fledge Connolly Lingerer.

Now you might not be too impressed by Lolita at first mention, so let me paint the picture for you: first she comes in (wearing short shorts and a tank, of course), Nalgene bottle in hand and heads for the stretching mats. Good call, Lolita; get those muscles nice and warm. After a mere 60 seconds of light stretches, Lolita spots some “friends” over at the free weights and lets out a squeal. She sprints over to greet them, jumping up to hug one of the guys with her legs wrapped around him. All Connolly eyes are fixated on Lolita.

This is where lesson one of Lingering comes in: get noticed. Most Lingerers appear to be soft-spoken, relaxed and rather introverted individuals, but the minute they see an opening to turn their Lingering into a public spectacle, they pounce. Because that’s what is at the heart of Lingering: socializing in the most awkward of ways because the Lingerer is incapable to socialize in any way.

Back to Lolita. After her minor freak out with Willy the Weight Lifter, she proudly announces that she’s off to do a little cardio on the treadmills. Much to my delight, Lolita picks the treadmill next to mine, so I get to see the Lingering star up close (should I ask for an autograph?!?). Deep breaths.

Lesson two of Lingering: know how to procrastinate. As soon as Lolita gets on that treadmill you know that she never intended to actually USE it, right? She stretches a bit, spends a couple minutes browsing through her iPod, takes a swig from the Nalg and then plays with the buttons on the treadmill for a bit. Soon she’s walking at brisk pace, but then her shoelace comes untied and she gets a text message and her hair needs fixing and her song selection needs to be tended to again. Lolita’s been on the TM a stunning 7 minutes and has walked .013 miles. Lingerer brilliance.

Lesson three of Lingering: never do the same thing for too long. Lolita hops off the TM and heads back to Willy, just to update him on what she’s been up to (it’s been so long). She happens to run into Mary (and by happens I mean she runs her down on the eliptical and talks her ear off for 10 minutes before checking in with Willy again) and then heads for the weight machines.

Lolita is a Lingerer Legend, if you haven’t noticed by now. She owns these weight machines, and all of Connolly by now. She adjusts the settings, the weight, and then does a few reps. It’s repeat rinse and lather for a couple more machines, but soon Lolita grows bored so she calls up her good friend Betty the Bellarmine Lobby Lingerer and they have an overly personal chat (ten decibels too loud) for a few minutes while Lolita eyes herself in the mirror.

If you’ve been keeping track, Lolita wore me out for 45 minutes now. I’m ready to head home, but Lolita is just re-connecting with Willy, making social plans for the evening and being damn loud about it (Lingerer Lesson #4).

Lolita is joined in the Legends of Lingering by dozens of SU People – in the Bistro (always getting up to get something else from the condiments counter); in C-Street (talking way too loud on the cell phone while eating alone); in the library (“studying” and reading “books” for hours); on the Green (“waiting” for friends while joining several other convos) and in the hall in Admin (talking to anyone who listen about how shitty classes are in Admin – “the classrooms are just so … OLD!”).

Lingerers have made their mark on Seattle U. And SU People hate love them all the same.