The Abrevolution

(Read: a-BREEV-a-loo-shun.)

If you think just a niche of too-lazy-to-actually-say-the-whole-word people exist in the Jesuit school world, you are totes wrong. The Abrevolution has swept the Jesunation, and it’s here to stay (at least for a few months, which is all the longest our generation can hold on to any trend, idea or job). Just a little sampling of abreves that SU students are using in their daily, higher education lingo: C-Street,  ASSU, CampMin, Admin, OAs, St. Iggy’s, the X-Box, RAs, Bell, Piggy, the Beast, OMA and the StuCentPav.

Okay, so maybe StuCentPav hasn’t caught on yet, but it totes will evenchies. Espech after you read the entire next graph in abreves and acs (acronyms).

I came to SU for my edu and to find besties. Along the way, I had some bites and sips while going to skoo and studs for tests and quizzes. Most stus here love the camp, but some peeps pref going DT and getting out of the Jesy world. I def will miss it since I just gradued last weekend, but fosh willl come back for a visie in the near futch.

Now, for those of you who are not well-versed in the speak of abreves and acs, do not fear, the expert is here. It’s all about phonetics, so if you can read and sound words out, you’re totes in the CoolKidsClub. There are exceptions to this rule in Abreveville, like with the word “sors.” Sors is short for sorry (if you didn’t catch that before I wrote it I suggest you just move on to reading something more worthwhile) but isn’t pronounced phonetically “sores” but rather how you would say that shortened version of sorry, “sars.” Now obvi I can’t write on my friend’s wall on facebook “Sars I didn’t see you last night!” because then everyone and their Reflection Pond Ducky would think that I had that scary Asian disease, and that would totes be a face 22. Sors is an exception, so careful as you proceed.

Instead of dialogue, let’s use a video clip to show how abreves and acs have had a cross-generational effect on our society:

Notice how the mama isn’t phased one bit by the acs being used by her kids and “grandma.” Loves it. Let’s try another (in supes slowmo style):

The MOTS (moral of the story) is that AT&T is totes genius and Beth Ann is my hero. This girl is def Queen of Abreveville I mean, those people are freaking brilliant. First they take normal, everyday shapes like buildings, coffee cups, people, playground equipment and trees and turn them into cell phone bars. Next thing you know society is going to be crediting those marketing freaks with the medal podium at the Olympics and aesthetically-pleasing skylines. 

But, I digress, if The Abrevolution comes from anywhere, it comes from the world not just of AT&T, but of cellular telephones, themselves. Our obsessive selves are texting all the damn time, so to make sure that we don’t get MTC (massive thumb cramps) it’s important to cut corners in every way possi, which means abbreving, acking and using numbers for words.

Jesuit people love to use numbers for words just as much as the rest of the world, but in the Too-Lazy-To-Actually-Say-The-Whole-Word Olympics abreves totes take the crown. They’re flexible, agile, fierce and supes trendy. Ackies garner silver, but only because you can use an abreve in an ack (BTdub). While NFWs (numbers for words) takes lowly bronze because, well, 3LW was just so 1999.

Being “Spiritual,” Not Religious

Here’s a peculiar trend if I’ve ever heard one: college students at a Jesuit Catholic university running from religion and all of its formalities like it’s a Target-purchased, mini-van transported, white-picket-fence grown weed  that suburbanites cultivate and is taking over campus with greater speed than those plants-on-crack from the cinematic work of genius, Jumangi.

If you haven’t noticed the Agnostics, Atheists, Deists, Spiritual Searchers, Wandering Souls, Frolicking Faithfuls, Inquiring Minds, Hopeful Philosophers, Believers of the Unknown, Champions of Love and my personal favorite, the “Jesus was just a really cool guy” -ers then I’m pretty sure you’ve been stuck in the Campion Basement playing ping-pong and living off “food” from The Cave for the last, oh, three years or so.

If you ask the average SU Person about his or her religion, you might be faced with a face that resembles the fright and surprise that goes along with finding out someone eats their daily helping of carbs from a dumpster that’s outside their local bakery. Because in today’s higher education setting, being “religious” is as dangerous and limiting as calling yourself a Midwesterner, including all those “eh” accent jokes and overweight “Middle America” jabs.

But, there’s a lifeboat that have helped the religious paddlers find their way to shore in the as much comfort as a five-star Hilton suite (Paris not included). It’s called being SPIRITUAL, and it’s the cookie-cutter, PG-13, I-don’t-have-my-shit-one-bit-figured-out safety net that 1,000 little SU swimmers love almost as much as their “free food” at C-Street and the I-am-too-lazy-to-walk-home-from-QFC-with-my-groceries mobile (aka the NightHawk).

Being “spiritual” is like a magic firecracker that bursts in the stormy, black sky that is religion and produces rainbows decorated with beautiful butterflies. Okay, let’s try this in conversation:

Blithe, Campus Ministry guru: “So Kendra, tell me where you are in your religious life right now?”

Kendra: “Hegh? My religi-whaty?”

Blithe: “Religious life.”

Kendra: “Girl, I ain’t no nunsie.”

Blithe: “Nunsie?”

Kendra: “You know, like Whoopi in that movie.”

Blithe: “I feel like we’re getting off topic.”

Kendra: “What? You want to get a hot pocket?”

Blithe: “Let’s try this: where are you on your, uh, how do I put this … “spiritual journey” … right now Kendra?”

Kendra: “My spiritual journey? Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. My spear-itch-ew-Al- journey. Blithey, hun, let me tell you!”

You can imagine that Kendra will dive into a narrative full of “I strayeds” and “found inner peaces,” making sure Blithe is fully understanding that the spirit in her has sprouted in the same soil religion couldn’t even buy a plot on. 

So, SU grads, as you enter into the ‘real world’ in the near future, remember that presenting yourself as “religious” might be a bit too unpoco for those non-Jesuiters to handle, and if you don’t communicate it well online, either, you’ll get yourself into some face 22s. 

Remember, SUPL is all in good humor and HAPPY EFFING GRADUATION! (Tune in soon for the graduation version of “SU People Love Publicly Acknowledging Good Deeds.”)

Being Dramatic on facebook

I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was sitting in my 8th-floor Campion dorm room (OMG! I just said “dorm!” I’m going to be nervously peeking over my shoulder for the next 16 hours for an RA to come swooping by and tackle me to the ground and brand the words “RESIDENCE HALL” on my forehead and make me recite every Jesuit value while adhering to quiet hours standards… but, I digress…) on a cold, rainy Saturday when my roommate turned to me and asked, “Are you on facebook yet?!”

“Facebook?” What is this facebook he talks about? This book of faces. This unknown, undiscovered place of faces in a book. This arena that includes people’s faces in an electronic book. A “booky wooky” if you may. A booky wooky that had a schnooky while eating a cookie. Cookieface. I love cookies. Cookies and milk. What is a “schnooky,” anyway?

Ok, I know I’m getting completely off track, but if you are a fan of train-of-thought writing or speaking, I suggest you check this clip out.  Now, back to that drama on facebook. DOF.

Facebook was originally created for bored college kids to creepily stalk people that went to kindergarten for two weeks with. Or, wait, that’s not it. Facebook was originally created for in-the-closet gays to get a date. Damn, wrong again. Let’s try this: facebook was created for people to be so overly passivedramatic that the SUPL gods had to come up with a new word for individuals that ooze passive-aggressive-drama-kings-and-queens-ness: passivedramatic. AKA PD.

PD can totes be found all over the fb. It’s on people’s walls, in their “About me” section, posted in notes (oh! don’t get me STARTED on notes) and, famously, their statuses.

Yes, the facebook status was created just for PDPs (passivedramaticpeople if you didn’t catch on, HELLO!). The status is the place where PDPs can post their frustrations, their fears, their anger, their drama (of course), their broken hearts and their inquisitive minds. 

Inquisitive minds are a standby classic for one simple reason: ambiguity. Facebook is as much about ambiguity as it is about PDPs. Let’s try an example:

“Clara is wondering … why?”

Notice that Clara isn’t just wondering, but she is wondering why. And, she’s wondering why with a dot dot dot, which is rather suspenseful for the reader when reading Clara’s status. When I started reading that, I thought to myself, ‘what is Clara wondering about? Perhaps she’s wondering where her toothbrush is, or why her phone is broken.’ But Clara isn’t wondering about one of those silly sally sort of things, she’s wondering (…) why. Totes ambigy, totes passivedramatic. Totes love it.

Let’s try another: “Craig just wants people to leave him alone.”

Oh Craigsies, king of the PDP. Craig uses another standby classic: the status that is PD, angry, but rather ambiguous. Why does Craig want people to leave him alone? Is he pissed at a certain indiv? And his status also presents the ultimate facebook conundrum: does Craig actually want people to leave him alone? Or does Craig want people to comment on his wall with words of encouraging encouragement?

It’s a face 22.

Yes folks, you read that correct, a face 22. One of those fb sitches that is a lose-lose. The girl who you had third period math with sophomore year of high school and always wore annoyingly loud flip flops just “ended her relationship” with her fiance on fb. Do you write on her wall? Send her a message?!? Give her a box of tissues as a gift?!???!? Totes a face 22.

Lately I’ve been having nightmares about face 22s. I dream that this guy I used to be dating wrote on my wall with some sort of flirty remark about my current status but didn’t necessarily ask a question. Do I write back?!? Do I comment on HIS status? Or would that be totes stalkerish? A face 22 if I’ve ever heard of one. And then I wake up in a cold sweat.

Yes, I admit, I am a PD statuser at times, too. But, aren’t we all?

The point is, facebook is a hot mess of PD statuses. Why else would we be on it everyday?